Here Comes Horny Jar Jar

Read to the end to see the greatest dog pic I've ever seen in my life

First, A Discussion About Chicken

The following 4chan post was flagged up by my friend Jules and there’s a lot to unpack here. If you aren’t familiar with 4chan’s /fit/ community, they’re an incredibly special bunch. They once had a collective mental breakdown over a picture of a girl stick figure saying “I love you for who you are” in a word balloon.

According to the OP here, he was cooking chicken breasts without pants (because he spilled soda on his pants) and one of the chicken breasts fell on his penis and now his penis is inflamed. I’m going to say there’s a 50/50 chance this is legit. Millennials are famously extremely afraid of raw chicken. But let me know what you think? Did he fuck the chicken?

Next Up, I Found The Watermelon Cat

She did it again 😂😂#ragdoll #fluffy .
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Yesterday the weather was extremely hot and we bought a cold watermelon and placed it on the kitchen table and left the kitchen. When we got back to the kitchen later and wanted to eat the watermelon we found the Queen laying like this like she was hatching a princess 🐾❤️
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#kitten #anımal #instacat #ねこ #ねこ部 #catlover #냥스타그램 #ねこすたぐらむ #cat #catlife #cats_of_instagram #9gag #meow #weeklyfluff #gato #chat #katze #neko #birman
July 1, 2019

Admittedly, I wasn’t looking very hard to find this cat, but it’s been on my mind. I’ve seen her photos everywhere. Here’s the full dox. Her name is Nelly, she’s from Copenhagen, and the very good news here is that there are many more photos of her sitting on various gourds and melons.

We bought a pumpkin for Halloween 🎃 but Nelly had other plans for the pumpkin 😂. #halloween .
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#whpunusualportraits #catsofinstagram #weeklyfluff #kawaii #ragdoll #birman #meow #gatos #chat #katze
October 6, 2018

Now, Some Geopolitics

I feel like there’s a wave of really good bot accounts on Twitter right now. Emoji Mashup Bot is pretty good, but Flag Mashup Bot is where the real action is happening. And by real action, I mean regularly coming extremely close to kicking off World War 3.

My personal favorite instance of Flag Mashup Bot stoking sectarian violence is probably the absolute shit show that happened last month when it tweeted out a United Ireland flag.

Uh-oh! It should come as no surprise to anyone that things went to shit pretty fast when this baby got tweeted out. So much so, in fact, that the human behind Flag Mashup Bot had to break character and issue a statement.

Here’s a sampling of the responses:

So those are some memes you probably didn’t know were a thing. Unfortunately for Flag Mashup Bot’s creator, it’s an automated script. So it’s just going to keep going. Hopefully most of the controversial ones are done now and we can all have a good laugh abo—

Oh no.

OK, Fine, Let’s Talk About Horny Jar Jar

So I’ve been actively ignoring Horny Jar Jar. I was pretty confident I’d eventually have to deal with it, but I was really dragging my feet about it. Here’s what I got for you.

It’s a Tumblr blog. It’s called Horny Jar Jar Binks. It seems this person has been roleplaying as a horny Jar Jar for a while. Like since at least 2018. It’s mostly text posts. Here’s a sampling:

  • It’s me. Jar Jar Binks. But with a twist

  • All moms are beautiful

  • Those guys in Metallica always appreciate it when I drop by backstage. Because I suck them off and more.

  • It feels like things will never get better.

The blog does appear to be getting a little depressed. Which makes sense. Heavy is the head that roleplays as a horny Gungan as they say. Interestingly, it should be pointed out that Horny Jar Jar is not the only Jar Jar-related Tumblr account.

Finally, Let’s Talk About This Dude’s PS4

OK, so I’m going to embed a tweet here that is gross. This is your warning. If you don’t want to see the gross pics, scroll quickly past and check out the incredibly good dog pic I promised you.

Right. Now that the normies are gone. Check out this PS4 full of cockroaches.

Man, I love this tweet. It was posted by a YouTuber named Vito. Here’s what’s great about this:

  • His first thought after finding hundreds of roaches in his PS4 was, “Sony, please design smaller vent holes next time.”

  • After he obviously started getting roasted in oblivion about the fact his home is invested with roaches, he linked to a Kotaku article trying to prove that this is actually a totally normal thing.

  • When someone replied, “Cockroaches shouldn't be in your home to begin with.” Vito shot back with, “Spoken like someone who never had cockroaches”

  • After the tweet went fully viral, he decided to use it to plug a Borderlands 3 stream he was doing WITH THE ROACH-INFESTED PS4.

Oh, also, if this dude seems familiar to you, he was the guy who claimed he vaped Belle Delphine’s bathwater. It later turned out he didn’t actually vape Delphine’s bath water, but at least we know he definitely has a roach problem. We sure live in a society.

P.S. here’s the greatest dog pic I've ever seen in my life.


***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***